One of my New Year’s Resolutions this year was to try new things. I have found that because of my anxiety I often stick to what I have always done. Kept the friends I have and rarely take a leap of faith. This summer that was supposed to change. I had a study abroad trip planned; I was going to be in Zambia for three weeks, and without knowing a soul going before I left. The not knowing anyone gave me some pause, but if you spend your whole life not really getting to know anyone than what’s the point? This was also a way for me to see and experience first-hand what it would be like teaching English in a place where I don’t know anyone, much less the language. Something, I could see myself doing in the future. However, I am ashamed to admit that a part of me was relieved when I found out the trip was cancelled. I didn’t have an extra load of classwork the remainder of the semester, and of course I now do not have to go somewhere out of my comfort zone.
As much as going new places and meeting new people by myself is a stressor for me, it is also doubly exciting. It’s so interesting to see how big the world is and feels, and yet meet someone from home 10,000 miles away. Someone you would have never met before. I suppose my question is: How is one supposed to try new things when they are unable to leave their homes without endangering the health of themselves and others? I have some ideas regarding this matter, however when a wrench is thrown into every last plan, then it really does feel like the walls are caving in at an alarming rate.
When that feeling happens, we turn to things we find that are familiar. For instance, I turned to all of childhood my journals. I re-read my middle school journals multiple times and realized that I had actually looked up prompts for myself and wrote to them, every day for a month out of the year. I also realized how much I have changed, and that was something that surprised me. I realized that I used to pray every day, something I barely remember doing, and of course I used to read and write for fun every day. I wonder why I ever stopped doing those things? But you see, my middle school penmanship, active imagination, and the fact that I wrote several pages at a time in pink, purple, and even on occasion yellow highlighter provided plenty me with plenty of amusement.
Maybe you’re wondering what this has to do with trying new things and putting yourself out there, especially if it’s all about reading and writing all by my lonesome self. However, how often are we truly and completely honest with ourselves about our past experiences, our mistakes, and even our own feelings. I think that deep self-reflection can be a good thing for me. Maybe I’ll finally discover why meeting new people is so scary to me, and so exciting to others. Or maybe I’ll finally discover why I decided to write full journals in highlighter 6 years ago like a crazy person. Either way, I am excited to learn more about myself in these next few months. And I hope you are too!
Allison's Blog 